i must be broken maybe or just odd?

So, I read a post my cousin made on facebook today and I really got to thinking. She said, "I was just looking in the mirror and I just noticed how pretty I actually am" and it got me to thinking; I don't think I have ever looked in the mirror and seriously felt like that. People will say it to me to be nice, but I personally haven't felt it or believed it. This got me thinking about other things that people experience and feel that I don't that maybe makes me almost feel...odd maybe...here are some other things that others experience but I don't:
Seeing someone glow, especially people who are pregnant. I don't get it. I have never seen someone "glow" just because they are preggers, or because they are super happy. I just do not understand this.
Speaking of pregnant women, I have never had the compulsion to want to touch a pregnant woman's belly. You always see people go up and put their hands to try and feel the baby kick. If I were the girl, I'd feel awkward. Thankfully I do not plan on being that girl.
I watched a video on my one aunt's facebook the other day and it was of soldiers getting to come home and surprise their kids, and where the video was really touching all in it's own, it was particularly sad to me because I do not know what it's like to have a dad who wants to be home and wants to see his kids and that loves his kids like that. This feeling is something I don't know. Any song about a dad and his kid and especially a dad and his daughter, or seeing them out together is something I am not personally used to.
And lastly for right now, prolly the most controversial topic...I never understood when people say they talk to God or get answers from God. Even before i started questioning religion and all of that, I still had no clue about what people said...

Ok, thats all for now because I'm really tired. I need sleep.

I need to take care of ME!

I've always been the type of person who tries to take care of everyone and worries about everything, and where I'm still going to worry, I'm going to try and work on taking care of myself. I haven't been doing such a good job of that lately. For breakfast I would eat a couple graham crackers, or some macaroni salad mixed with cottage cheese and for dinner I'd eat pizza rolls, a can of chef boyarde lasagna or mac salad and cottage cheese. I have had No desire to cook and I just didn't have to gumption. Oh, and there was lots of candy and ice cream in there too. I finally just sat back and look and was like, "What are you doing?!" I did such a good job of losing weight a while back, and I've put some of that back on, and that doesn't make me happy at all. So this morning was my first real test. I got up early enough to eat breakfast, and I liked the sound of eggs, but not the sound of cooking or making dishes to have to wash, and I almost gave up and didn't eat anything, but I decided that this is where it starts, so I got out the frying pan and scrambled me some eggs and had an egg and cheese sandwich (on 100% whole wheat bread which is the only kind of bread I buy). I am proud of myself, but I just have to keep this trend up! I did not have any candy or ice cream yesterday! When I snacked I had grapes and strawberries. I'm also going to try and take a break from some of my projects every week and try to go swim laps at the hills at least one day a week. It's good exercise and it's not as hard on my knees and ankles. I'm hoping that the reason I've been so tired lately is my diet and the fact that I'm not eating right, and probably mixed with constant worrying about what I can do to help everyone else. Well, changing the diet, and those who I can not help until they realize they have to help themselves, are just going to have to be put on the back burner. Besides, if I fall apart, who can I help? I've got all kinds of reasons to do this, but I'm not listing them all on here. Well, I've got a start, just got to keep building!

so what are u going to get or get away with this time.....

In one of my status updates on Facebook, I made the comment that I'm tired of stupid selfish spoiled people, and so I thought it would make a good topic in here. I'm sick and tired of seeing these people that don't have a clue how good they have it, whining and bitching because they have it sooooo terrible, so they think they need to smoke pot and do shrooms and drink all the bloody time to "deal" w/ life. Or the people who do that stuff because they may not have had it easy but instead of dealing w/ it like an adult, they say, I don't want anyone to worry about me, that's being selfish, you don't want anyone to worry about you because you don't want to worry about anyone else. I know a lot of stuff on a lot of people, and if I were the type of person to nark, I could get several people in trouble, but I 'm not that type of person. I want my friends to trust me, because, especially for my friends younger than me, I want them to have someone responsible to be there when they need someone instead of doing something stupid. Sometimes, though, this stance drives me crazy! I guess since I was brought up where I wasn't given anything and I had to earn everything and always be responsible for my actions, all these concepts are hard for me to take, but honestly, I think when you get you own things and earn them, you appreciate things a whole lot more. I know I'm kinda bouncing around a lot but bear with me, this is how it's coming out of my head, and I don't have a lot of time to spend organizing my thoughts. When you grow up where things aren't easy, like I did, it's either going to make you or break you. You can either learn from it and learn how to get over it, and make do with what you have and work harder, or its going to make you pussy out of it and say oh life's so hard I have to drink or I have to get high because it's the only way I can deal with it. Really. Get a clue. I'm sorry, you don't have a clue how bad life is when you have everything you need is given to you. I drink, I'm not going to lie and say I don't, but it's social drinking and I don't drink to get drunk and cover up emotions. I've never got high, and I don't plan on it. My only point of weakness was when I cut. I used to hide the fact that I did, but not anymore. I didn't cut to kill myself though, I would put sanitizer on the knife and then on the cuts when I was done to make sure they were clean. I just cut enough to make the physical pain because physical pain is a lot easier to handle, I can control that. When it felt like things were out of control in my life, that was one thing I could control. I have not cut in about a year, and it's something I have to keep up with every day. I've had urges lately, but I have not given in and I'll keep working on it. So anyway, I'm going to have to try and keep my temper w/ these people and do my best to not let their selfishness and spoiledness get to me. Some days it's harder than others.

engulfing darkness

where do you draw the line between hurt and love?
how long do you have to wait and suffer?
this glowing ball of happiness
is surrounded by this engulfing darkness
that shatters my emotions and leaves me numb.
wading through just for a little light;
is it worth the fight?
i want to chase away the dark,
let the light shine through,
but i fear i don't have the strength
to chase it away and u won't let it.
your darkness is your shield;
hiding behind its emptiness
pushing away those who try to make it past
letting the darkness encompass and overpower;
losing grip, losing hold

so since i haven't posted i decided to use this as a post, i haven't written in a long time, but this kinda came to me...i know,it's kinda rough but, this is just exactly how it came out of my head....

sorry, leave a message after the beep.......BEEEEP!

I know I sit at my new job, but it seems like I'm always tired anymore, hence, why I haven't wrote a blog in a while. I know, I'm slacking!!! I was going to try and write something tonight, but I'm about to pass out at the computer, so I will try to get to it this weekend!!

sleep? who needs sle....zzzzzzzzz

I remember a week about 4 or 5 yrs ago (i think) when I got about 10-12 hrs of sleep in a 10 day period. Sure, I almost wrecked twice because I dozed off for a sec while I was driving, but in the end I maybe took a day where I got 6-8 hrs of sleep and I was fine. Rip roaring and ready to go. Most of my friends asked me if I was on speed or something quite frequently because I was always go go go and didn't sleep a whole lot, but I wasn't on anything. Sleep, who needs sleep, it's overrated and you sleep when you're dead! HA! Then when I started working at Stop N Go and I got the 5a-9a shift most of the time, it really started hitting me more. I think it may have been progressive over time, where I would get more and more tired, but this is when I really started to feel it. I would come home and nap for a bit and then continue my day, worked out well since I was home by 20 after 9 in the morning! Well after a couple weeks I got used to the shift and I could go all day from getting up at 3am til I went to bed around 11pm. Then they switched me to afternoon/evening shifts for a week, and then back to the 5a-9a shift. Wow! Although, I'm not sure that's what's kicking my behind. It was during the week when I was on afternoons in which I started doing all of my sleeping. That Friday I got 13hrs, followed by 9hrs on both Sat and Sun and then 11 hrs the following Wed night. This week I went back to the 5a-9a shift, Sun night I went to bed at like 12p and got up at 3, but I took a 3 hrs nap in the afternoon, and I thought I would be fine for the week then, I was before. Well today I tried very hard not to nap in the afternoon, but after a few hours of cleaning down in the empty apt and finding a dead bird, I came upstairs to lay in the sun and try and make myself not so pale! LOL I fell asleep within 5 min of laying down, on the wood deck. Slept for about 40 min and woke up long enough to pick up the blanket I was laying on and the pillow I was using and moved to the couch to continue to sleep for a total of 5 hrs and a complete loss of the evening. Sleeping this much is not like me, and I'm always ready for a nap anymore, and I have been sleeping Hard and not hearing anything. I hope nothing is wrong with me, because anyone who knows me knows, I sure as heck ain't going to the doctor! I think that it has to do with my mood as of lately, but that's one of the things that I'm probably not going to talk about on here. So I guess I'll take the sleep as making up for all the sleep I didn't think I needed.

Helping others helps yourself

I wasn't quite sure what I wanted to write about today, but I decided that since I was ranting in the last 3 posts, that I would write about something more positive tonight.
Volunteering is a great way to fill in down time that would be spent sitting around going "I'm bored, what is there to do?". I know personally because I partake in quite a few volunteering activities. For those of you who are unemployed, volunteering is a great way to fill your day that a) makes you feel better about yourself because it gives you the feeling of accomplishment and b)it looks good on any resume. I learned this from John Tesh, so I can not claim total credit for this! But if you have volunteer time down on your resume that you are involved with when you apply for a job it shows the potential employer that you Want to be out there doing something and you Want to stay active. Also a lot of companies like to be involved in the community so they are more likely to hire a person who is involved on their own. Basically it come down to the fact that you keep your mind busy and your helping out more than just yourself. With the economy in the shape it's in, there are a lot of soup kitchens, churches and other community organizations that are more than in need of people willing to give just a few hours a week.
I personally volunteered at my local library, as a member of the Friends of the Library (where I'm the secretary) it made sense and I knew the manager needed some help. If I didn't have that, I would have went nuts the 2 or 3 months that I was unemployed! I personally, enjoy volunteering, and now that I have work, I still try to help at the library when I can and I'm also a member of the Business and Community Association in my town which has events and things all through the year. Several years ago my mom and I put on the car show, but she moved and I laid low for awhile, so we no longer have that event. I've recently really tried to get involved again and do things for the community.
Something that kind of goes along with volunteering, that I decided to include in this post, because it is still helping people, is donating blood. I am reminded of this sitting here at the computer looking at the postcard reminding me that the 17th is the next time to donate. There is a huge need for donors and you never know who's life you are saving. I understand that some people can not donate, but there are other ways that you can help, like having your organization sponsor a blood drive, or to donate snacks water and juice for the donors afterward. I try to donate as often as I can, but I do fight with low iron so I'm not always able to. It's just something to think about.
Well, I need to finish up, since it's getting windy as heck and the lights are starting to blink. I do believe we have a storm blowing in! So here's something a little more positive. :)

Just because I'm a girl, doesnt make me required to bear children

Since I've been on the rant about single-dom and such, it seems fitting that I roll right into the rant about having kids. Why does everyone think that because I'm a girl, I want kids, or should have kids? Just because I have a uterus doesn't mean I want kids. A desire to have children is a reason to have them, and I just don't have that desire. I get so tired of every time I say that I don't want kids the person I'm talking to argues with me. Hello! My body, my life, MY decision. If I say I don't want them be fine with that answer. Don't try to tell me what I should think or feel! I do not want to be prego. I do not want to put on all the weight that I've lost in the last year or so. I do not do the three p's (poop, puke, pee). I do not have the patience for the crying and the screaming and all that crap. i baby sat for a good number of years, Ive put my time in, and I don't want anymore! I don't know why some people can not accept that some women do not want kids. Just because you wanted them, doesn't mean I do. I think part of my problem is that I have such a mothering instinct towards my friends. But this does not mean I want to push something the size or a watermelon out a hole that is like the size of a cucumber, or to have my stomach stretch out to gargantuan sizes! It took me long enough to lose the weight I did lose, and I'd like to lose more, not put it all back plus some!! I don't even like to hold babies anymore, and some girls don't understand this either. Some get joy from it, others would rather not have to. So please, accept my decision to not want kids and don't tell me that I will change my mind or tell me I do want them.

You just think you do.

It drives me crazy when people say they need a boyfriend or they need a girlfriend. No, you don't. Water, is a need, shelter is a need, food is a need. A boyfriend or a girlfriend is not a need, it's a want. You do not need another person to be complete, you are the only one who can make you complete. I kinda started this in my last rant, but I think it's a topic that needed it's own rant, because I hear people all the time. "I need a girlfriend", or "I need a boyfriend", or "I'm only happy when I am with someone". The only reason you're only happy when you're with someone is because someone filled your head with a bunch of crap! I may not be happy all the time, heck I may be miserable a lot, but it's not because I'm single, being with someone isn't going to make me magically happy. I was raised to be independent. My mom told me that the day I had to count on a guy for anything is the day I lose myself. I'm the only one that I can count on to take care of me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those feminist women that won't let a guy do anything for me, because believe me, there's nothing wrong with a guy doing things for me, I'm just not going to count on them. I've been on my own for 3 years, and I've always been single. I pay the rent, I provide food, phone, internet, a car, insurance (on the apt and car) and anything else that is necessary for survival. I clean and I keep my fish alive and swimming. There is NO guy here to do that for me. Some male company is nice from time to time but this is MY home, not anyone else can claim it. No One will tell me where I can go, who I can hang out with or talk to, or how anything needs to be. I work hard for my money and I''ll be damned if I'm going to start needing a guy now. So basically what I'm saying is no, you don't need a guy. You need to be yourself, not part of a couple every minute. Have your own thoughts and opinions and not be influenced by anyone else. Make your own life choices and know the value of being able to say "I did that". Everything is always more appreciated when you earn them on your own. And please, don't end a perfectly good relationship to go out and forge a path in single-dom, but make sure that you both understand that you need independent selves as well as together selves. We were all born separate human beings (well most of us!!) and so we were not meant to become a single person when in a relationship. Remember, you don't Need someone else, you want them.

What part of, don't even think about it, don't you understand???

I guess since I'm hitting such hard hitting topics right off the bat, we'll hit this one, since it's been quite popular lately. What part of I DO NOT WANT TO BE FIXED UP WITH ANY GUY do you not understand. I'm not into blind dates, I don't care that you think this guy is so nice. Leave me alone. I will purposely not even look at a guy if I know you are trying to fix me up with him, ask my mom, she tried that shit with this guy and I wouldn't even look at him. I am not a science experiment, I am not a zoo exhibit, and I think whatever poor sap guy you're trying to con into this feels the same way. Talk about freaking awkward, at least for me anyway. Id feel like a freaking kid trying to give the State of the Union Address with no warning or prep. I am not designed for this, or dating period. And any guy you try to fix me up with would probably hate you afterward anyway. I have no desire to be put through this cruel and unusual torture. That's illegal you know. And this is kinda on the same topic, but a little off; There are to leagues, I don't care what miss "make up will help your self esteem" thinks. There are people who are "out of ones league". A person can not have Anyone they want, face it, it's not going to happen. I'm not saying that we are still in the caste system or something like in olden day England, but it's true, I think everyone has a "range" that if they're going to find a guy, that's where he'll fit into. Ok, back to the original rant. Sticking someone with some strange guy is not a fun time, period. And just because you think you're happy because you have a guy doesn't mean that it's what's best for me. Quite frankly I think it would probably make things worse as of right now. Guys do not define our happiness, you can be happy or miserable either way. Also, guys do not fix broken hearts or wounds. The damage is still there, you just let him put a blanket over the wound, that's all. They do not have the power to fix it. I hate to break it to anyone who believes they can. YOU are the only one that can fix you. And the way I look at it, if a guy wouldn't have broke it in the first place, it wouldn't need effing fixed! Now I don't want anyone thinking I'm anti-guy or a lesbian or something, because I'm Not, I just have a stronger sense of reality than some people. LOL!!If by some strange cosmic event, I'm not destined to be alone, I will do it on MY terms, Not anyone else's. My life and my heart and my emotions are not to be entertainment for someone else. They are mine. So anyone even remotely thinking about fixing me up, just back off and leave me alone. And come to think of it, they say you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you, so quite trying, fate is telling you that you're wasting your time.

The key to self esteem....is make up????

So, anyone who knows me, knows that I lack self esteem and self confidence; Well today I learned the secret to getting more of both. Who knew that all I had to do was use some clown sticks and poof, like magic I would feel better about myself. Now, anyone who really knows me, knows how effing sarcastic I'm being right now, and that whoever in the world made this ridiculous comment doesn't know the first thing about me. I do, however, find it rather amusing, in the least. At first I thought it was just her being personable, and she wasn't really serious. I later realize that she's serious, and obviously crazy. I'm sorry, make up fixes nothing, in all reality, it probably creates more problems. For example, guys, how many times have u seen a girl at a club or a bar or whatever and was like, well, she's pretty, but then when u wake up next to her in the morning without all her make up, you're like, holy crap what happened!!! LOL And then of course there is the cost of buying all the stupid shit, and then the time wasted putting it on. This is time that I could be sleeping and money that I could be saving up for a new car. I am not a make up person in the slightest. I look at it like this, if someone is going to not like me or like me, I want them to do it for me, who I am, what I look like, not what I'm trying to be. (plus, y'all know that I'd stab myself in the eye w/ the stupid mascara anyway!!!) Of course, with make up comes hair styling like straightening and curling and hairspray and all those wonderful things that a)cost more money and b) kill your hair. My hair falls out fast enough, I don't need to hurry it along. Plus, everyone that knows me, knows that I am straightner-tarded. I just get frustrated when I try to operate the stupid thing and I usually give up. This is why I get my hair cut in a simple style. I take it out of the towel, comb it and go. That's it, no fuss. I am not a girley- girl. I do not like all these sissy things. It's not who I am, and it's not going to fix ANYTHING! I'm not going to hide away from the truth that I know. I'm going to face each day as me. It doesn't matter who likes me as long as I get up, go to work, and pay my taxes. This blog post could lead me into so many other rants, but alas, I must get to bed, I'm so tired. So anyone who ever thought of trying to tell me I should wear make up can just hole up that comment, because now you know I ain't gonna listen and you're wasting your breath...