engulfing darkness

where do you draw the line between hurt and love?
how long do you have to wait and suffer?
this glowing ball of happiness
is surrounded by this engulfing darkness
that shatters my emotions and leaves me numb.
wading through just for a little light;
is it worth the fight?
i want to chase away the dark,
let the light shine through,
but i fear i don't have the strength
to chase it away and u won't let it.
your darkness is your shield;
hiding behind its emptiness
pushing away those who try to make it past
letting the darkness encompass and overpower;
losing grip, losing hold

so since i haven't posted i decided to use this as a post, i haven't written in a long time, but this kinda came to me...i know,it's kinda rough but, this is just exactly how it came out of my head....

sorry, leave a message after the beep.......BEEEEP!

I know I sit at my new job, but it seems like I'm always tired anymore, hence, why I haven't wrote a blog in a while. I know, I'm slacking!!! I was going to try and write something tonight, but I'm about to pass out at the computer, so I will try to get to it this weekend!!

sleep? who needs sle....zzzzzzzzz

I remember a week about 4 or 5 yrs ago (i think) when I got about 10-12 hrs of sleep in a 10 day period. Sure, I almost wrecked twice because I dozed off for a sec while I was driving, but in the end I maybe took a day where I got 6-8 hrs of sleep and I was fine. Rip roaring and ready to go. Most of my friends asked me if I was on speed or something quite frequently because I was always go go go and didn't sleep a whole lot, but I wasn't on anything. Sleep, who needs sleep, it's overrated and you sleep when you're dead! HA! Then when I started working at Stop N Go and I got the 5a-9a shift most of the time, it really started hitting me more. I think it may have been progressive over time, where I would get more and more tired, but this is when I really started to feel it. I would come home and nap for a bit and then continue my day, worked out well since I was home by 20 after 9 in the morning! Well after a couple weeks I got used to the shift and I could go all day from getting up at 3am til I went to bed around 11pm. Then they switched me to afternoon/evening shifts for a week, and then back to the 5a-9a shift. Wow! Although, I'm not sure that's what's kicking my behind. It was during the week when I was on afternoons in which I started doing all of my sleeping. That Friday I got 13hrs, followed by 9hrs on both Sat and Sun and then 11 hrs the following Wed night. This week I went back to the 5a-9a shift, Sun night I went to bed at like 12p and got up at 3, but I took a 3 hrs nap in the afternoon, and I thought I would be fine for the week then, I was before. Well today I tried very hard not to nap in the afternoon, but after a few hours of cleaning down in the empty apt and finding a dead bird, I came upstairs to lay in the sun and try and make myself not so pale! LOL I fell asleep within 5 min of laying down, on the wood deck. Slept for about 40 min and woke up long enough to pick up the blanket I was laying on and the pillow I was using and moved to the couch to continue to sleep for a total of 5 hrs and a complete loss of the evening. Sleeping this much is not like me, and I'm always ready for a nap anymore, and I have been sleeping Hard and not hearing anything. I hope nothing is wrong with me, because anyone who knows me knows, I sure as heck ain't going to the doctor! I think that it has to do with my mood as of lately, but that's one of the things that I'm probably not going to talk about on here. So I guess I'll take the sleep as making up for all the sleep I didn't think I needed.

Helping others helps yourself

I wasn't quite sure what I wanted to write about today, but I decided that since I was ranting in the last 3 posts, that I would write about something more positive tonight.
Volunteering is a great way to fill in down time that would be spent sitting around going "I'm bored, what is there to do?". I know personally because I partake in quite a few volunteering activities. For those of you who are unemployed, volunteering is a great way to fill your day that a) makes you feel better about yourself because it gives you the feeling of accomplishment and b)it looks good on any resume. I learned this from John Tesh, so I can not claim total credit for this! But if you have volunteer time down on your resume that you are involved with when you apply for a job it shows the potential employer that you Want to be out there doing something and you Want to stay active. Also a lot of companies like to be involved in the community so they are more likely to hire a person who is involved on their own. Basically it come down to the fact that you keep your mind busy and your helping out more than just yourself. With the economy in the shape it's in, there are a lot of soup kitchens, churches and other community organizations that are more than in need of people willing to give just a few hours a week.
I personally volunteered at my local library, as a member of the Friends of the Library (where I'm the secretary) it made sense and I knew the manager needed some help. If I didn't have that, I would have went nuts the 2 or 3 months that I was unemployed! I personally, enjoy volunteering, and now that I have work, I still try to help at the library when I can and I'm also a member of the Business and Community Association in my town which has events and things all through the year. Several years ago my mom and I put on the car show, but she moved and I laid low for awhile, so we no longer have that event. I've recently really tried to get involved again and do things for the community.
Something that kind of goes along with volunteering, that I decided to include in this post, because it is still helping people, is donating blood. I am reminded of this sitting here at the computer looking at the postcard reminding me that the 17th is the next time to donate. There is a huge need for donors and you never know who's life you are saving. I understand that some people can not donate, but there are other ways that you can help, like having your organization sponsor a blood drive, or to donate snacks water and juice for the donors afterward. I try to donate as often as I can, but I do fight with low iron so I'm not always able to. It's just something to think about.
Well, I need to finish up, since it's getting windy as heck and the lights are starting to blink. I do believe we have a storm blowing in! So here's something a little more positive. :)

Just because I'm a girl, doesnt make me required to bear children

Since I've been on the rant about single-dom and such, it seems fitting that I roll right into the rant about having kids. Why does everyone think that because I'm a girl, I want kids, or should have kids? Just because I have a uterus doesn't mean I want kids. A desire to have children is a reason to have them, and I just don't have that desire. I get so tired of every time I say that I don't want kids the person I'm talking to argues with me. Hello! My body, my life, MY decision. If I say I don't want them be fine with that answer. Don't try to tell me what I should think or feel! I do not want to be prego. I do not want to put on all the weight that I've lost in the last year or so. I do not do the three p's (poop, puke, pee). I do not have the patience for the crying and the screaming and all that crap. i baby sat for a good number of years, Ive put my time in, and I don't want anymore! I don't know why some people can not accept that some women do not want kids. Just because you wanted them, doesn't mean I do. I think part of my problem is that I have such a mothering instinct towards my friends. But this does not mean I want to push something the size or a watermelon out a hole that is like the size of a cucumber, or to have my stomach stretch out to gargantuan sizes! It took me long enough to lose the weight I did lose, and I'd like to lose more, not put it all back plus some!! I don't even like to hold babies anymore, and some girls don't understand this either. Some get joy from it, others would rather not have to. So please, accept my decision to not want kids and don't tell me that I will change my mind or tell me I do want them.

You just think you do.

It drives me crazy when people say they need a boyfriend or they need a girlfriend. No, you don't. Water, is a need, shelter is a need, food is a need. A boyfriend or a girlfriend is not a need, it's a want. You do not need another person to be complete, you are the only one who can make you complete. I kinda started this in my last rant, but I think it's a topic that needed it's own rant, because I hear people all the time. "I need a girlfriend", or "I need a boyfriend", or "I'm only happy when I am with someone". The only reason you're only happy when you're with someone is because someone filled your head with a bunch of crap! I may not be happy all the time, heck I may be miserable a lot, but it's not because I'm single, being with someone isn't going to make me magically happy. I was raised to be independent. My mom told me that the day I had to count on a guy for anything is the day I lose myself. I'm the only one that I can count on to take care of me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those feminist women that won't let a guy do anything for me, because believe me, there's nothing wrong with a guy doing things for me, I'm just not going to count on them. I've been on my own for 3 years, and I've always been single. I pay the rent, I provide food, phone, internet, a car, insurance (on the apt and car) and anything else that is necessary for survival. I clean and I keep my fish alive and swimming. There is NO guy here to do that for me. Some male company is nice from time to time but this is MY home, not anyone else can claim it. No One will tell me where I can go, who I can hang out with or talk to, or how anything needs to be. I work hard for my money and I''ll be damned if I'm going to start needing a guy now. So basically what I'm saying is no, you don't need a guy. You need to be yourself, not part of a couple every minute. Have your own thoughts and opinions and not be influenced by anyone else. Make your own life choices and know the value of being able to say "I did that". Everything is always more appreciated when you earn them on your own. And please, don't end a perfectly good relationship to go out and forge a path in single-dom, but make sure that you both understand that you need independent selves as well as together selves. We were all born separate human beings (well most of us!!) and so we were not meant to become a single person when in a relationship. Remember, you don't Need someone else, you want them.